What am I doing anyway?

I woke up yesterday morning feeling a bit bemused. Can I stay in bed just a little longer? What would it hurt?

What SHOULD I be doing?
And, then, it struck me! I am living with far too many SHOULDS in my day. Nothing is pulling me out of bed – no voice saying “let’s do this today” “let’s take a chance” “let’s GO FOR IT”.

Huh! I wonder where that voice went? As I canoodled with this question, it started to become clear. So many things I do in my life are “in order to get somewhere else”…well, maybe not quite that. More like “in order to have my life NOT suck” just keep the wheels in motion to not backslide, to prevent chaos and dismay.

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Then, I thought, well….what IF I sat down and thought about what I would LOVE my life to look like in a year, three years, five years. I started to canoodle on this, too. Little alarms started going off in my head. “Danger! Danger! Danger!” I found out that I don’t know WHAT I want my life to look like in five years. Or even tomorrow.

This is the pitfall of living a life I always imagined. I have the great job that I do pretty well. I have the love of my life. I have a beautiful home. I have amazing friends. I have three wonderful dogs.

So, why do I feel so “blah”?
Well, I think the reason I feel so “blah” is that my life is just far too much about me. My eye is far too much on my stuff.

Do I have everything handled? Is my home in perfect shape? Am I financially free? Am I in optimum health? Is my business even remotely where I want it to be? Absolutely not! But getting by seems to be suiting me just fine.

What is going to fire me up? It is not going to be a new car…that’s just not enough. It is not going to be more money…I would LOVE more money, but it’s not enough to get out of the lovely cocoon of my warm and happy bed.

Is there life beyond FEAR?
In the past, what always got me out of bed was ABJECT FEAR. Fear that I was going to lose my job if I didn’t perform. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to pay the bills. Fear that I would look bad if I didn’t show up on time. Fear that I would fail a presentation if I wasn’t prepared. Surviving.

Now, I am faced with the challenge of living a truly invented life. Designed for no other reason than that I say it is important. I have to look inside and outside to see … what am I here for?

I have gotten so good at performing for others on their agenda. Do I have enough character to strike out on my own and claim a created life. Do I have what it takes to LIVE LIFE?

Learning a new skill
It is time to learn a new skill. And, what is that new skill? The one I have no facility with?

I don’t know how to have FUN. I take everything far too seriously. No wonder I want to keep the status quo and do the bare minimum. No wonder it all looks like drudgery. I KNOW how to do that! I know how to be stressed out. I know how to “pull it off”.

I don’t know how to be free! In love with life! Kick-up-my-heels delighted!

Frankly, I am not sure even where to start. What if I start having fun and everything else falls apart? (Can you hear the survival kicking in?)

Today I declare that I am learning the new skill of HAVING FUN. That is worth going for. That will be the voice that whispers in my ear and gets me out of bed in the early morning hours to go dance in the dew of the new day. It is my new mission.

Any suggestions on where to start? Are you good at having fun and living a full, abundant life where it all works? I want to hear from you. I want to interview you. I want to learn.

Love your life UP!

The Irreverent Sales Girl

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